My Past Approach and Belief

I realize we did so much wrong, when you were young. From all my heart, I am so sorry!

We were taught to get you to behave with threats, punishment and guilt. Oh man, was that wrong. Also we were needs oriented, so every time you felt some pain we wanted to solve it for you. We were pleasers and fighters as they are called.

Wut Bei Kindern bis 4 bedeutet Kontaktsuche. Lösung: bis 10 zählen, nicht persönlich nehmen, in arm nehmen

Wut bei Kindern ab 4: nicht persönlich nehmen, von außen betrachten, Wut akzeptieren, nicht Persönlichkeit des Kindes angreifen, auf Augenhöhe gehen, ich verstehe dich, Gefühl in Ordnung, hauen nicht

Wichtig: Kind in Ruhe lassen, aber signalisieren, dass man da ist wenn es dich beruhigt hat. In den Arm nehmen. Niemals! Sagen, das dieses Verhalten nicht angemessen ist! Sie können noch nicht anders mit ihren Gefühlen umgehen

• A family is like a company run by 2 Execs, need to have meeting to discuss problems, issues etc. at that meeting not all the time

Wenn du das machst, dann bekommst du X zerstört intrinsische Motivation

Regeln einhalten: bis zu 3 mal bitten, dann sagen ich mach es, aber Streitobjekt kommt für eine Woche weg. Nochmal Chance. Viel mehr gutes loben

Three Things to Teach your Kids:

1. Find out why you are here/find your mission by letting them explore and experiment as much as they can and expose them to as many experiences as possible to find out

2. Ask great questions, great questions will give you great answers: Dinner Routine: What great questions did you ask today?

3. Train perseverance, train not to give up.

Video game addiction (official addiction)

1. can’t stop playing

2. Disengages in other activities in favor of gaming

3. Does not see problem although gaming causes conflict with loved ones

Needs to happen for an extended period of time and also needs to have other negative effects eg bad grades, losing friends, gain weight

Parenting needs to shift from parents expecting the kids to do what the parents want, to expecting your kids to pursue what they want.

Relationship basis of parenting:

With a relationship there is trust, with trust the communication gets better and better communication leads to better collaboration which again strengthens trust.

Shefali workshop:

When in conflict with your child and you ask yourself what does my child need, its one of three things:

1. lacking connection

   1. Tap into their desires

2. lacking containment (safety/boundary)

   1. No tv in room, screen free zones, common area charging station

   2. FTTS: First tasks then screens

3. lacking skill

   1. Play to build skills

Think about which of those buckets is empty in that situation

Parenting needs to fulfill the 5s (also what kids get from screens):

Build connection (what the screens do) through:

1. Safety

2. Soothed

3. Success

4. Significance

5. See them

Eg do an activity with them they like and give all 5 to them

Screens:

Addicted because they are there instead of parents, parents need to give 5 S´s

Set clear boundaries with kids under 13 and with kids over 13 play with them and teach good behavior with screens while using them together. Help build other skills

Motivation:

They don´t understand the why, they don´t see value in doing things

Kids under 13 explain why of everything. Kids over 13 connect over one passion and let them feel like the have success in something

Disrespect:

Comes from being a fixer/pleaser cannot say no or when yelled at gives them sweets

Comes from being fighter, puts kids in place for disrespect and punishes, too strict

Comes from being disregulated yourself, they are copying you

Solution: Do not react, understand that its not about you! Disengage, say that you can talk when they calmed down. Connect, contain, skill

Lying:

Your kid is lying because it does not feel safe to tell the truth, because the kid knows you cannot handle the truth (the kid knows that you will lower his self worth when it tells the truth). A kid won´t lie if it knows his self worth will increase when it tells the truth (so brave of you to tell me and no punishment).

only solution CONNECT

Tantrums/Hitting(Fighting/Breaking/Screaming

Just sit there with them and wait for it to pass

with teenagers just leave

small kids: need to stay calm, dont touch them, dont ask questions just stay there and be calm

With teenagers: same as disrespect, not about you!

Only solutoin: connect. empower them, give them choices, give them control

Conscious parenting is about: Increasing the kids inner power, control and worth while other methods usually decrease them. Its about losing your ego!