Mastery to create a long-lasting, passionate connection with another person
My past belief and approach
Like so many other couples your mother and I fell deeply in love in our twenties and could not imagine ever not feeling this deep connection we had. We were convinced that we were different, this was true love and it will stay this way, because our connection was special. And like so many other couples we experienced that that connection starts to weaken over time if you don´t actively work on it. I also believed that your mom would look up to me if I could come across stronger or show her what things I do well, I thought she might want a savior.
Learning in one sentence: You come to a relationship to give not to take
My three most important learnings
Communication:
Communication is not what we say, but what the other person perceives we said. People like people who are like themselves or people like people who they like to be. You can start by Matching & Mirroring (3 possible ways):
Match the words (7% of communication)
Match the tonality (38% of communication)
Match what they are doing with their body (55% of communication)
Vision
Giving not trading
Not your partners job to make you happy, your job to show up as best self like in the beginning
Do you want to be right or do you want to be in love?
My three most impactful actions for execution:
Communication:
Sometimes we think our partner should be able to know what we want (mind reading). This is not the case.
Share your love language and what makes you feel loved
Words of affirmation. Do you love compliments?
Acts of service. Do you love
Gifts. Do you love getting little presents?
Quality time. Do you love
Physical touch. Do you love being touched?
Practice Active Listening, put yourself into their perspective and ask questions, have them do 70% of the talking. Do not offer solutions unless you are asked for them.
Write down what you would like your partner to do for you and do it for your partner and talk about it
Have a meeting once a month where you honestly share what is going well and what you would like to do differently
Timing for difficult conversations: Always choose a time when both are heated off and not emotional anymore, ideally in a good mood.
Share your visions and goals for life.
Planning:
Think about how you want to make your partner feel special and plan sth for each week
Think about which acitivity your partner likes that you could join
Think about sth. crazy you could do together and plan it e.g. dressing up for a pizza night
Change your questions change your life: Instead of asking why is my partner always doing this or that or NOT doing this or that, try the following questions instead:
1-If there is one thing you know you do that holds you back from a better intimate relationship, what is it
What part of your relationship brings you the most happiness? What brings your partner the most happiness?
How could you show your partner that you love him/her in a way he/she would really take in?
What is the question you ask yourself most often in a relationship?
what are the things that you value about your wife, what have you learned from your wife**?**
What made me fall in love with my partner?
You want a better relationship? You need to work out and get strong! You are so tired, its not possible for there to be passion!
If you like to learn more here are some useful links:
https://zenhabits.net/interpersonal/
On Dating
You have found the right partner if you are connecting with them on 3 levels:
Sexual attraction (not only physical)
Emotionally - You are able to be fully vulnerable with each other
Intellectually - You are able to learn from and teach each other
The circumstances and timing need to be right
Ask yourself:
who do I become with that person?
Do I have more or less energy after being with that person?
Do I feel at my best?
Do I feel that we can talk forever?
Who I am with that person on our first date is who I will be for the rest of our lives