3 Steps to Change yourself or other people

  1. Get Leverage/Certainty:

    1. From Pain e.g. Failure to change equals unbearable pain

    2. From Pleasure e.g. how great will this be

  2. Break the pattern e.g. from pain from quitting to stop smoking to pain from smoking

  3. Create a new empowering pattern (go work out to feel cool) and Reinforce until its a habit

3 Keys to Help you and others change

What's the only thing that really stops people?

  1. FEAR

  2. All fears can be reduced to two things:

    1. We are not enough (not strong, not smart, not rich enough)

    2. Afraid that we are not loved

Do not fight fear or run away, dance with the fear, appreciate it and us it to your advantage

How to help others change
The other person needs to want change, when they do, challenge it first e.g. are you sure you need to go the gym 3x per week? When they do it, then support them, but never push them to do something!

Why do you do what you do? 6 reasons (human needs)

  1. Certainty (need to avoid pain, need for comfort, reduce stress)

  2. Uncertainty/Variety (need for surprise)

  3. Significance (need to feel unique and special) e.g. by giving, by knowing a lot, by being violent, by having a sports car

  4. Love/Connection e.g. by having problems

  5. Growth

  6. Contribution

We dont value the needs equally, for some love is one for some significance is one and behavior is very different, whatever is number determines your direction in your life

People might have the same number one, but they might use a different map, some people get certainty by smoking, some people get certainty by saying this will never work, some people get certainty by putting music on, so there are empowering, disempowering and neutral ways to get certainty.

If sth. meets 3 needs, we want to do it again and again including violence

The first four needs are our basic needs and are our personality

The last two needs are spiritual needs

Change

  • Its the only thing there is absolute certainty about - change is constant

  • Willpower is not enough - in order to change you need to associate pain or pleasure to what you want to change e.g. food you used to like today its disgusting bc of a bad experience (your brain learned to link pain to sth that used to give you pain) - if you are still linking pleasure (not only pain) to what you want to change, you wont change. You need to link enough pain to what you want to change and link enough pleasure to the new state

  • Will you grow and change yourself or will you be a victim of change and just react to it?

  • Change is never a matter of ability, its always a matter of motivation

  • Complexity is the enemy of Execution

  • „Sei du selbst die Veränderung, die Du dir wünschst für diese Welt“ Mahatma Gandhi

  • Real Breakthroughs: change in your strategy, your story and your state

  • Change your story, change your life. Divorce your story of limitations and marry the truth. You can make anything happen

  • It takes 21 days to make sth a habit

Three Beliefs to Change yourself or other people

  1. It MUST change NOW: Get Leverage/Certainty:

  • From Pain e.g. Failure to change equals unbearable pain

  • From Pleasure e.g. how great will this be

  1. I MUST change NOW: Break the pattern e.g. from pain from quitting to stop smoking to pain from smoking

  2. I CAN change NOW: Create a new empowering pattern (go work out to feel cool instead of feel cool from smoking) and Reinforce until its a habit (21 days in a row)

If we want to create massive and lasting change, we need to change our emotional home (our identity).